Lust v Intimacy

It amazes me how far I have gotten in my journey to truly reclaim my sexual life. The abuse that I survived occurred over many years. The first horrible incident happened at the age of 8. Then the other horrible acts happened between the span of age 13 and 18.

I survived by suppressing and crawling along. By burying things as deep as I could and building an outer façade. I used alcohol to get me through my sexual activities in my early twenties. Disconnected from my body and allowing for lust to lead the way.

I didn’t begin to confront the deep pain within me until my body began to crumble.  It took a truly deep dive after I got into a car accident in 2018, at the age of 24. In a sense my body could no longer carry on and crashed in its own manner.

As the following year unraveled, so did everything that was held together by sheer force within me. Long held believes and world views began to crumble. I began to search deeper within life for explanations as the anger and pain began to roar loader. It felt like the perfect storm unfolding.

However, I chose to begin to rebuild. Within these years of healing there are many stories I can tell. The one I wish to focus on here is how healing allowed me to reclaim my sexual life.

Through the years I worked on embodiment practices. To survive the trauma, I disconnected from my body. Living but not feeling my body. Through yoga and dance I began to feel my muscles. I began to guide the energy back within my body. I made it a safe place to be in.

Then I began to confront my sexual life. I began to reflect how anger, lust, aggression, and alcohol drove my past sexual actions. I began to confront how I did not really feel safe in so many of these acts. How they lacked intimacy. How I felt like I was disrespecting my own body. How I placed so little worth in my own energy.

I want to emphasize that I do not feel shame for these acts, I was simply trying my best to embrace the strong sexual drive within me. It is a critical element of who I am.

However, now I realize this sexual drive needed to go through a winter phase. Through forces that are larger them myself I went on a journey that led me to refrain from sexual activity for over two years. During this period, I began to truly heal. I cleaned out my internal world of false sexual believes and ideas. I reconnected to my desires for intimacy. I allowed my believes to mature. Now I see that my garden had to go through a real winter so that it may reawaken the next spring.

I now realize that my sexual energy is something incredibly precious. I now see the sacred and spiritual element within it. I still have no shame for my history, it was simply one chapter in a lager journey. However, I do see my sexual energy as the precious jewel, a precious flower. I worked incredibly hard to get to this point and I will make sure that this is recognized for the amazing strength that it is.

Next Essay: Bittersweet Beauty