Bittersweet Beauty

In the summer of 2019, I began to confront the memories of my sexual abuse head on. It was one of the most painful chapters in my life so far. During this period, I also began to look through pictures of myself during high school and beyond. I could not stomach seeing the facade of women that I was seeing. I wanted to both cry and scream. I wanted to hug her and run away at the same.

Then a fire awoke within me that wanted to burn it all down. I wanted to be cleansed by fire. So, I did.

I deleted all the pictures I came across of myself. I completed deleted my Facebook. I completely deleted my Instagram account. Any pictures that I stored of myself on my computer were erased. It was a powerful moment of non-attachment that I needed within that chapter of my journey.

Then months later when I found some stable ground again, I began to dabble again with taking pictures of myself. I began to experiment a bit. It was one step forward but what my heart was craving was a true winter. So once again I removed any trace of myself online and withdrew into my cave for a year. It was dark and safe. I was able to accomplish some real healing within that timeframe. 

I worked on reconnecting with my body; on understanding my own strength within solitude. Then when I felt it was time to return to the public stage, I began my journey back to civilization. I started a little Instagram account; it was nothing serious. It was just me dabbling. I began to post pictures of myself, and it brought me joy. More than I would publicly admit at that point.

Years after deleting so many pictures of myself I realized that some of the pictures I destroyed were still on my old Apple cloud and this time around I could sit and look at them. This time around I saw a strong woman who carried on with life. Who continued to fight for each chapter. I saw bittersweet beauty.

With each year after that fateful moment of burning down my digital existence I became stronger. After I returned to photography in a more professional manner, I began a series of self-portraits. I placed myself in front of the camera to explore different aspects of myself. To see my body in different stages. I wanted to see my more sexual side on the camera. I wanted to see my more dramatic side.  I wanted to see the reflection of the women I had become.

I wanted to feel safe, but I wanted to let go of so many rules and boxes I placed upon myself of how I should showcase myself to the world.

During this process I healed. I became more confident. I found a source of joy and energy. And what is most powerful is when I reflect of how this journey began and how far I have come.

Next Essay: Cultivating Life