Cultivating Life

On a Sunday evening on September 8, 2019, I almost didn’t cross a bridge. During the summer months leading up to this day I started to burn down my life. I started to dive deep into my pain and trauma. I started to question my believes and world views. Everything was crumbling and the pain almost drove me to end it all. I came so close to just throwing myself off that bridge but there was a strength within me that persevered. My legs carried me on. Something within me fought hard in that moment. It might have been my soul, my spirit, or my blood. I am not sure, but it led me to cross that bridge.

Afterwards the painful poison that wanted me to just end it all continued as I sat in the shambles of my former life. However, I carried on. Each day I told myself that I would just get through the day, and if nothing changed, I could always kill myself the next day. And each day I told myself the same thing. Pushing it off to tomorrow. I still joke to this day that procrastination saved me. Eventually the deep poison that almost drove me to an early grave finally left me and I began my journey to understand what drove me to such a low moment.

I began to connect deeper with my pain. I began to see what I needed to clean out of my life and what I needed to change to create a life that I desired to live instead of trying to escape it. I didn’t have a road map in mind. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I simply chose to start listening to my instincts, nature and have faith that I was on the right path even as I was walking into the unknown.  

What occurred next is rebirth after rebirth chapter. For years.  During each rebirth cycles a layer of the old version of myself that I set on fire began to die off. I began to dive deeper into my creative side. I began to embrace my more sensitive and softer side. I began to let go of bitterness. I began to work deeply on grounding and embodiment work. I stopped caring how strange I looked to the outside world as wandered through the metaphysical wilderness. I simply desired to not repeat the cycle of the moment on the bridge.  

Choice by choice. Day by day I could begin to feel the changes that came from my actions. The more I cultivated life within me the less I wished to escape my life. This cultivation came from continuously embracing my true nature and seeing strength within. It came from deeply connecting to the natural world. It came from diving deeply into my creative pursuits. It came from accepting chaos as part of life. It came from cultivating gratitude and humility for what I had already. It wasn’t a magic pill or a ten-step program. It was the combination of a lot of small daily choices and changes over many years. It was a strong desire to live and embrace reality. It was deep hard work that produced the most delicious fruits in the end.

Most importantly it was walking away from so much of the rotten culture that I was drowning in and cultivating the healthy culture within me. That is what helped me feel alive again. That is what helped me climb out the early grave I sat in for so long and allowed me  to dance again.